So my husband and I have been trying, pretty much ever since we got married, to get pregnant.. I know, I know, we can wait, blah blah blah.. I REALLY don't want to hear it right now, so don't judge.. Anyway, so it just wasn't happening.. We haven't used birth control, or protection since we got married And I figured, it'd be SO easy to get pregnant. Ya.. right.. So here we are more than a year later, and I'm still not pregnant. Do you know how hard that is? I know some of you probably do, but really, it's been hard for me. Definitely since I have so many friends right now that are pregnant, or just had babies. And don't get me wrong, I'm WAY happy for them. They only thing is, there are a couple that weren't even trying, and they got pregnant. And then they complain about it.. I mean, I know it's frustrating to get pregnant when you're not trying to, I understand. But after the initial shock, you can stop complaining.. So I was having a really hard time dealing with everything.
Then, General Conference came around. And I THINK it was Elder Holland who gave a talk about not being upset that other people get blessings, and answers to their blessings, when it seems like you're not because your answer will come. So I decided right then, not to take it so hard when my friends complain about being pregnant, and not "hating" (I don't really hate people, but I am frustrated with people) people because they're getting the one thing I want so much right now. And I'm saying right now, I'm sorry for the thoughts I've had to you guys, it wasn't fair of me to do that..
So then, to top that off, this week my brother, his girlfriend, Bryan and I went and did baptisms for the dead. And I was sitting in the Temple thinking about when I'm going to have a baby, and can I PLEASE get an answer as to whether or not this is the right time.. And all of a sudden I just felt like it isn't our time. We need to wait. We need to get a little more ready financially to have a baby. I need to take care of me, meaning I need to get healthy. I need to seek some help as far as my depression goes. After I got that feeling, I got this overwhelming feeling of peace, and that when the time comes, I'll get pregnant.
I am so grateful for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And that even though it's not the answer I wanted, that Heavenly Father does answer my prayers. He's very much aware of my struggles, and heartache. I know that I could not get rid of the pain, jealousy, heartache, sadness, and every other emotion I am feeling, without my Savior Jesus Christ. He suffered, bled and died for ME. He suffered what I am suffering. He knows my pain and my joy. He has taken my sadness from me, just when I thought I was going to drown. Do I still get sad? Yes. Am I feeling 100% better? No. But I am going to do everything I can to feel 100% ok. So, yes, I am still going to see what I can do about my depression. And yes, I might still get sad, and every other emotion I've listed. But I feel freer than I have felt in a long long time. And that feeling is so sweet and priceless.
Sorry this was such a long post, I just needed to get this all out. Thanks for reading!
2 comments:
Oh, Brianna!! I am so sorry. The very first thing I wanted to do when Jeff and I got ready was to have a baby. BUT I struggled with anxiety and depression all my life and I had the same feeling- that I needed to get help before bringing an innocent life into what may have been a not-so-great situation. So I did. I got lots and lots of help and then I had the most incredible, most beautiful child ever. And even after being totally financially stable, owning our own home, AND being on medication to help my anxiety, I had the worst, scariest post-partum depression. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been if I'd gotten pregnant right off the bat, and had to worry about all those other, little stresses.
Things got much better and I'm the happiest I've ever been, but Heavenly Father DOES answer prayers and I'm so glad he answered mine in the way that he did, DESPITE being so sad about it at first. Things will work out the way they're supposed to for you, I know it!
Hang in there! You're amazing!
That talk really left a huge impression on me too. My husband and I have been married for more than 5 years, and are expecting our first baby in august. It isn't easy to see everyone around you getting pregnant, and seeming to have everything together, or have it all, but like you said, it happens in the Lord's time. Honestly, we thought we'd be adopting, and so were saving for that, so this was a surprise and a blessing and just goes to show the Lord really does have his own timetable and plan.
I actually wrote a whole post about this, being infertile for years, and then the changes that come. I hope you find your peace. Feel free to check it out if you think it might help.
Heather
Lifeofapasseri.com
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