What I didn't realize is, I had (and still have) a very unhealthy relationship with food. That is my addiction. Much like people that are addicted to drugs, alcohol, nicotine, etc. I went to food for EVERYTHING, and it helped keep my emotions in check, or so I thought. There are a lot of things that started coming up that I wasn't counting on, and definitely wasn't expecting. To make things worse I could no longer go to food to shove everything down. I'm actually having to deal with things, and I realized I really don't know how to do that. So I started ignoring it. When I would start to feel something come up, I'd clean, or go workout. So at least I'm doing healthier things, but it was all to avoid my emotions, and I knew that wasn't going to last. So, last week I started seeing a counselor. That is probably the best decision I could've made for myself emotionally, and I'm so excited to see where it goes. I'm hoping that I can work through my issues and not feel like I'm crippling under everything, and instead of avoiding my issues, I can work them. For the first time in months I can a light at the end of the tunnel, albeit a tiny light.
In the 6 months since surgery I've lost 133 lbs, for a total of 258 lbs lost since I started my weight loss journey. That's insane to me. I've lost more weight than my husband weighs!! I cannot express how proud I am of myself. If someone had told me two years ago that this is where I'd be, I'd have told them they were crazy. It's amazing the things I can do now, and I continue to push myself harder each day.
A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I needed to get a gym membership. Initially I was going to workout at home, but I got lazy and wasn't really doing what I should be doing. So I got a gym membership. It has turned into a great decision. I've been more active the last week and half than I had been the previous month. So, I decided to push myself further and start working with a personal trainer, at least for a few sessions so I could get a base plan of what I need to do. Training is BRUTAL. But I know it'll help get to my ultimate goal of not only being skinny, but being HEALTHY. This is just one of the many stepping stones to getting where I want to be.
I wanted to photographically document my weight loss as well as journal it, so I've been taking pictures every month. The first two pictures are from the night before I had surgery. The next two are the pictures I took today. It's one thing to see the number on the scale go down, it's a whole different matter to actually SEE the changes. Looking at these pictures makes me mourn for my old self, and I can see how unhappy I was. I'm amazed at how much I've lost, and just how different I look. I still have a ways to go, but this is definitely encouraging.
This has been the hardest thing I've ever done, but also the most rewarding. I thank God everyday for keeping me here to do this, and I hope to stay around a lot longer than I would've just 2 yrs ago. I want to end with a huge shout out to my friends and family that have stuck with me through all of this. You don't know how much your kind words have meant to me, and how much you've inspired me to keep going and be the best me I can be. So thank you. I love you all!
