In my last blog post I stated how I had lost 120 lbs from when I first started my weight loss journey almost 2 years ago. I am now at 190 lbs lost. But before I get to how much I've lost since surgery let me write down how things have gone, and the thoughts and emotions I have..
**Fair warning: This will be a long post, it's more for me to remember than anything else.**
As a refresher, I'll again mention, the name of the surgery is the duodenal switch. In my last post, I put that it was like the gastric bypass, but they also take out the intestines. Let me modify that. It's like the gastric sleeve, with the addition of taking out intestines as well. Here's a diagram of my new stomach make-up:
Basically, I have a tiny stomach, and I have two pathways for the small intestine. One goes from the stomach, the other from the gallbladder, and they meet and go to the large intestine.
Due to the little amount of intestines I have left, I have a lot of malabsorption. Meaning, I don't absorb any fat from foods, which is how I'll lose a majority of my weight, but I also don't absorb the nutrients. As a result, I take 9 vitamins a day. I eat about 3 oz. of food at a time, and I don't ever feel hungry, which is a nice little bonus.
Back to the surgery.. I was in the hospital overnight for observation. They needed to make sure that I could keep water down, and that there weren't any leakages where the cut open my stomach, and sewed my intestines. Eating has been fun too.. The first 4 days I could only eat jello or chicken broth, and then from day 5-14 I progressed to soups, yogurt, cottage cheese, etc. It was the longest 2 weeks of my life, and the blandest food anyone could think of. Now, I eat protein and veggies, and that's it. I don't eat carbs, fruits, grains, sugary foods. Those things do a couple of things, 1 they fill up my stomach way too fast, so I don't get to eat a lot of the foods that I should. 2 they make it so that instead of my body burning my fat for fuel, it burns the sugars and carbs I'm eating. If I ate those things, in the beginning I would still lose weight, but in the long run I wouldn't be successful if I ate anything like that. So, I'm sticking to the plan and only eating proteins and veggies.
I was out of work for 2 weeks. Most people would think that would be awesome, me? Not so much.. We live right behind an elementary school, by day 3 of being home, I knew the bell schedule by heart. That was my #2 annoyance. My #1 annoyance was the pain. I have a fear of taking pain medications, I have family history of getting addicted to pain killers, so I know just how easy it would be to get addicted. I did not want that to happen to me, so by day 3 I wasn't taking them anymore. Now, let me also say I cannot take ibuprofen, Advil, etc. because they can cause stomach ulcers, and because my stomach is so much smaller now the chance of ulcers goes up almost 100%. I'll never be able to take those types of medications again. So, ya, I was in a bit of pain. Definitely when I was trying to sleep. I TRIED to sleep in the bed, but I cannot lay on my back, and with the recent abdominal incisions I couldn't sleep on my side. Most of the time, I'd try to start out in bed, but I always ended back out on the couch, and slept sitting up. Let's just say I was very tired, and very sore. Thank goodness right about the time I went back to work, that's when the pain really started to subside, and I was able to sleep through the night in my bed.
I'm only 10 weeks out from surgery, so my stomach is still a little swollen and sore, so a lot of the proteins that I eat are softer proteins like beans, eggs, cheese, chicken (if it's moist), etc. I can't eat a lot of beef, in any variety it tends to make my stomach hurt, and I haven't even tried pork, besides bacon. In a few months it should get better so I can eat more of those types of meat, just for now, it's not the best feeling in the world when I do eat them. This I was prepared for, my doctor did tell me this could happen, so I planned for it.. Other things.. Not so much..
There are SO many emotions that I'm working through now, as a result of surgery. Like a lot of people, I was an emotional eater. I was happy? I ate. I was sad? I ate. I was bored? I ate. You get the picture. Well, now, I can't eat when I'm sad, happy, bored, etc. It was like someone had taken my best friend away from me. About two weeks out from surgery I was watching T.V. and a commercial came on for Dominoes Pizza. I bawled. I was so upset that I wouldn't be able to eat pizza again. (Let me say, I MAY be able to have pizza again, in the very distant future). I didn't understand though, why I was getting so upset over FOOD, I mean, who cries at a pizza commercial? Really? But here I was, sitting on the couch, crying, because I'd never be able to to eat it again. That's when I realized just how bad my addiction to food was. For me, food was kinda like heroin. I would take a "hit" (eat) and it would satisfy me for maybe a minute, and then I'd have another hit, and another. Eventually my brain got to the point where no matter what happened, I had to have food, and I had to have a lot of it. Take that drug away from me, and what is left is me actually having to process through my emotions. It's hard, and there are a lot of unresolved issues. I'm going to begin counseling for that, but my point is, I was not prepared, in the least, for how emotional I would be.
I can say though, I have a GREAT support system. My husband is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. he's helped me SO SO much after surgery. He helped re-dress wounds, and helped me clean in the shower. He doesn't mind that I don't make all of the fattening foods I used to. He sat there and just held me as I cried over pizza. I've told him my goals, and he cheers me on. He is the BEST thing in my life, and I thank God every day for him and the man that he is. Next to my husband, I have a pretty understanding family, and awesome co-workers who cheer me on every day. I've been blessed with all of the people in my life, and I thank them so much for the support they've given to me.
As I mentioned, there are quite a few emotions with losing this weight and choosing surgery to help me do it. Ever since I was 9 yrs old, or so, I've been on diets. I've tried everything under the sun.On the other hand, I was also given all of the "extras", for example, when we would go out to eat - let's say to McDonald's - and we got an extra hamburger, I was the one that the hamburger was given to. OF COURSE a child will say "yes!" to the extra hamburger! So, there were a lot of conflicting messages, to say the least. The biggest reason I did this surgery was so that I could have a baby, and be a healthy mother. I cannot wait to have kids, that's my ultimate dream. I've decided that if I notice one of my children getting big, I won't make just that child go on a diet, but as a family we will eat healthier. I'll cook healthy foods, and bring my children in the kitchen to help me, so they can learn to cook them too. We'll go out and be active, we'll go on hikes, swim, walk around the neighborhood, etc. I don't ever want my children to feel like their worth is tied into how they look. I NEVER want to emphasize that. I want to emphasize being HEALTHY. I want them to see that as a family we're going to be healthy and active, and that food is not the #1 priority. It's not there to help with emotions, but is fuel for our bodies. Is that to say that my kids won't have treats, and junk food? No. But all things in moderation. I won't deprive my kids of things, I want to give them the best of things. Being healthy is one of those things.
Looking back at the old me, I think "how did I get to be the way that I was? How did I let it get that far?" I was EXISTING. I could barely move. I could barely walk around without sitting down, or needing the assistance of a shopping cart. I didn't want to go and do things anymore. I couldn't go to an amusement park, first because I couldn't walk around that much. Second, because there was no way I was going to fit on any of the rides. I didn't want to go camping. I didn't want to go bowling. I could barely stand going to the movies. I hated going out. I felt like people stared at me and saw this ginormous person walking around. I was ashamed of myself. I feel bad for my old self. I pity her. I still do pity myself sometimes. But I'm taking control of my life.
I'll say that I've also felt pride. I'm PROUD of myself, for the first time in my life. I'm proud of what I accomplished on my own, and I'm proud of the decision I made to better my life by having surgery. I mentioned at the very beginning of the post that I've lost 190 lbs. 123 lbs of that was on my own, without the assistance of surgery. I knew though, that having surgery would be a TOOL to help me keep up that losing streak. I can now say that I've lost 67 lbs in 10 (TEN!!) weeks. That is amazing to me. It's given me this new perspective on life. My first perspective is: Holy moly do I need to buy new clothes! Haha. My pants are literally FALLING off of me. I just don't want to spend money on new clothes when I'll be out of them in a few weeks. Haha. Maybe I'll safety pin my pants. ;)
For the first time in a very long time I'm so EXCITED to see what the year has in store for me! Our 5th wedding anniversary is in March, and we are going to Vegas! I cannot wait to walk the strip, and go through the stores, and just have FUN with my husband. In May we're going to Missouri, and we're going to go to a Cardinals game, in the nose bleed section. I'm so excited to see a game, even if it is in the highest section in the stadium. We're also going to go to the zoo, and the Arch. I'm excited to walk around, and enjoy time with my family. In June, July, and maybe August, Bryan and I decided we want to go camping, and go to Lagoon, and go hiking. Seriously, I'm gonna have so much fun! It's like I have this brand new lease on life, and a brand new outlook. Best of all, I have my husband right by my side doing it all with me. Again, there is a little bit of sadness, only because Bryan has begged me to do all of these things with him since we first got married, and I never wanted to. Now, I can't wait, and I hope he can keep up with me! :)
To end this post, I'm doing awesome overall. I'm excited, and sad, and proud, and ashamed, but overall I'm happy. That's the best thing I could hope for. Happiness.
